Today I was talking with my best friend about the last asshole that bit the dust in my life when she brought up an interesting thing. She claimed that I was still in love with my first love. As I immediately cursed her out and denied everything, a part of me began to wonder. Was she right? Could I have fallen back in love with him? No, no it can’t be. That was years ago. I had moved on and so had he. So what if he was one of my closest friends. So what if he was the only one that could piss me off and seeing red and then in the same breath have me floating on cloud 9. So what if he is the one I call when I feel at my absolute worse and he leaves me feeling like a queen. Wait…dammit! I can’t be falling for this guy again. Seriously, it’s pretty much pointless.
Have you ever wanted something but for whatever reason knew you couldn’t have it? That’s how he is. He is that piece of cheesecake that I can’t eat because I am on a stupid diet. Why is he this cheesecake? Because I have no idea how he feels. We can discuss every subject known to man but as soon as I try to bring up us I get the automatic no text back. So what does this mean? Does he still like me? Does he still have feelings that he is not willing to dig up? My personal answer is always hell no since he does have a team of heauxs(I used the formal term lol). But anyone who sees us always thinks the opposite. They see the chemistry. They see the smiles. They see the glow. See, now I’m screwed. Now I’m realizing that yes I do still have feelings for him and now I am stuck. I feel like I did back in high school when I first fell in love with him. But what do I do now? Do I just ignore the feelings and settle for the friend role?
My mind says don’t say anything but then again I feel like I should. As I get older and older I really think about my relationship future. Do I really want to continue to deal with these assholes who I know cannot measure up to him or do I just settle for someone who is almost as good? Do I really have a choice? For now I can’t do anything but write this blog and lay it all out on the table. It’s up to him to do whatever he wants with this information. Since when has love really been this difficult? And to all my faithful readers this is the last sappy post. I just had to get this off my chest.